


I'm Still Here

by akeijis



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Keith is missing Shiro after he was reported dead, Loss, Pre-Canon, Pre-Voltron Post-Kerberos, Soul-Searching, Stream of Consciousness, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 12:38:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12012909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akeijis/pseuds/akeijis
Summary: Keith is hurting and feeling lost after Shiro is pronounced dead on Kerberos.





	I'm Still Here

**Author's Note:**

> This has been on my mind for days now and I needed to get it out.

On the clearer nights, when the desert winds took a break from their howling and the vast expanse of red sand was calm and peaceful, it was possible to see millions of stars dancing in the sky from where Keith laid on the roof of his shack.  He blinked up at them, their reflections shining in his glassy eyes, but he only had his sights set on one.  Dull, and barely noticeable next to the overwhelming brightness beside it, Keith stared at the pale dot through the remnants of tears.  He was tired of crying.  Tired of cursing that stupid dot until he can’t find anymore words.  Tired of being unable to sleep.  Tired of wishing he could disappear.  

It’d been months since that dot began haunting him.  His every waking moment plagued with fear and anxiety and pain over that barely noticable speck in the sky.  Ever since they announced the mission, ever since Shiro told him he was chosen to pilot it.  It was nothing less than indescribable dread, which he’d never been able to properly express to Shiro while he was still here.  His fears hidden behind encouraging smiles and hopeful whispers of adventure—of an extraordinary adventure that Shiro was going to come back from.  That Shiro promised to come back from.

Keith squeezed his eyes closed, stale tears slipping down his already tearstained cheeks.  

Shiro had promised, over and over, that he’d come back. He promised Keith a future where they’d be able to go on these adventures together. Keith should have known better than to trust him, just like he should have known better than to trust anyone who found a place in his life and claimed they’d stay.   He’d gone through it so many times.  He should have been realistic instead of blindly believing him.  But god, he had really wanted it to be true.  More than ever before, he wanted to believe that Shiro was going to be someone who stayed.  Someone who proved that Keith didn’t have to build his walls so high and didn’t have to add a _what-if_ to every relationship he ever had.

But Shiro leaving had been proof again.  

Keith let the tears fall, sick of having to wipe them away.  Who was going to judge him for crying out here in the vast nothingness of the desert?  No one.  No one would hear him sob.  No one would see his tears.  No one would know how much he hurt or how badly he wished he could go back months to when Shiro was still here and beg him not to go.  Beg and plead for Shiro not to leave him alone _again_ because he was always fucking left alone.  Always fucking left behind like he meant nothing to everyone.  

And really, he should’ve been used to this.  There were only so many times he could break down before he stopped feeling at all, right?  This wasn’t going to go on forever.  It couldn’t, because eventually it would kill him.  But, then again, what difference would it make if it did?  He had no one left to miss him.  No one expecting anything of him.  That was new.  At least before, he had the prospect of going to the Garrison, of having some sort of future at all.  But now?  What did he have now?

He blinked his eyes open, the sky a blurred mix of black and bright white, unable to focus his vision.  He didn’t bother trying.  The wind picked up again, blowing a cloud in from God knew where.  It mixed into his distorted view of the sky, and Keith blinked again.  Flecks of sand were beginning to hit his face and arms, and he groaned as he pushed himself up so that he was sitting upright on the hot roof.  Sand was stuck on his bare back from where he’d been lying, and he turned to squint into the wind.  

There was nothing but darkness and empty desert, past which he knew stood a canyon with rock formations he’d yet to explore.  He didn’t have the energy to.  But as the wind blew sand against his damp face, he felt like maybe there was something out there in the darkness squinting back at him.  Keith knew in the back of his mind that it was nothing but fruitless hope that he wasn’t alone  After a moment of staring he shook his head, turning back to frown at his ripped jeans.  

When was he going to stop and realize that hope and things working out were nothing more than fantasies?  When was he going to stop torturing himself by believing there was something, _anything_ , out there for him?  How many times did he have to hurt himself before he should just give it up?  Give up on believe in anyone, on hoping for more than just this emptiness that the Garrison had left him with, that his parents had left him with, that Shiro had left him with.

Shiro.

He looked up again, his eyes searching desperately through the mess of stars to find that pale dot again.  That dot that he’d looked at only just two weeks ago and made him long for Shiro to come home.  The dot that had taken away the only person who had given him any real hope for a future.  But he couldn’t see it.  The wind had blown in more clouds in the time he’d looked away, and Kerberos was hidden from sight.  Keith breathed in slowly, the air getting caught in his throat, and another tear fell.  God, wasn’t he done crying yet?  Shiro had been dead for two weeks now.  Eventually, he had to stop crying.

The wind picked up again, and he wiped the tears away.  He wondered if Shiro would have cried for this long if their situations had been reversed.  He wondered if Shiro would have cried at all.  A voice that sounded more like the wind told him that he would have; that Shiro cared enough about him to at least shed a few tears. Even if it was the stupid hopefulness that made him believe that, he didn’t care.  Shiro wasn’t alive to prove him wrong about this.

Another strong gust grabbed his attention, and Keith looked back at the darkness where it came from.  Again, the feeling that there was _something_ out there made him pause, and for a moment, no tears fell. What was the worst thing that could happen if he believed that maybe there was something out there? How could his life fuck him any more than it already had if he did?  Keith slid forward on the roof until he reached the edge then tipped himself over the side. He landed hard on his knees, the sand burning his skin where it peeked through the holes in his jeans.  Pushing himself to his feet, he continued his stare off with the wind.  It had dried his eyes and they stung, but he kept looking.

No amount of staring up at the sky was going to miraculously bring Shiro home, and he’d wasted so many days doing that now.  Keith took a few steps towards his hoverbike, the wind howling now and making his hair whip around behind him.  He had nothing left: no one who cared whether or not he was alive and well, and no one who would miss him if he disappeared into that darkness.  Swinging his leg over the bike, he hit the ignition and it roared the life beneath him.  Without any idea where he was going, or why, Keith peeled away from the shack and into that darkness.

It was stupid to hope he’d find anything, but hoping was the only thing that Keith seemed to know how to do.  And he couldn’t stop.  

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily inspired by Jim's Theme from Treasure Planet ("I'm Still Here").


End file.
